There's a font called "Crushed" and that's the one I'd like to use.

Tonight is night two of "sleep training". This is round two of "sleep training". I do not care for this. Not one bit. My little girl was asleep in her pack-n-play, in my room, when I got home from work. Victory! I sat down with a plate of food, ready to pump, watch Parenthood and enjoy some dinner. Four bites into my delicious dinner and she's crying and ready to nurse. I get out the exercise ball as per Jess's recommendation, prepared to rock her back to sleep.

An hour later my core aches, my thighs burn, my stomach rumbles and my baby is not asleep. She's drifted off a time or two, she's yawned 6 times (I counted) but she's not asleep.

Everything I've read in the last month or so suggests starting the "sleep training" at 3-4 months, it's easiest this way. For her. Supposedly for me too, but I'm not so sure. I've got the TV on, I'm blogging, anything to distract me from my baby who is crying in our room, demanding my return. Because she is not sad, she is not hungry, she is tired and mad. She wants to be in my bed with me nursing til she falls asleep, with the option to nurse again at any time that she so desires. She's very opinionated. And strong willed. And stubborn. I adore her. She will be a holy terror if I do not somehow steel myself and learn how to be a mommy. If I cave to her every whim now, what will I do when she is 3? 7? 13? Or God forbid, 16? No, no, I must be resolute. Besides, everything I've read assures me that she'll be sleeping on her own, happily, in a week.

So I must lay her down, walk away and let her put herself to sleep. I don't want her to cry, I don't want her to "cry it out" and I don't want her to hate me again tomorrow morning. This morning, after we went through this last night, she wouldn't look at me, LITERALLY looking away every time I would turn her to face me, for an hour. She forgot, but I haven't. I'm crushed that even for that brief amount of time she was mad at me.

Deep breaths, mommy, this is marathon, not a sprint.