This was on PostSecret's website today as the best Disney proposal ever. That girl has NO IDEA what's going on behind her, she's just there with her boyfriend and (I'm assuming) his friends, she probably argued about sitting up front, judging by her face she hasn't been on this ride very often, and look at the effort he put into that. He had to be SNEAKY to get those signs on there without her noticing, to hold them up at the right time, to convince his friends to be a part of this, be sneaky, not give it away. The thought, the effort, the love and attention that has gone into this--I wish there were a picture of her face when they got off the ride, of their walk from the departure gate to the photo stand, how anxious he must have been. He must have known her pretty well, must love the hell out of her to propose to her that way, that intricately.
Why didn't I wait?
Why didn't I do what I knew I was supposed to do?
Why did I think I knew better?
Why did I think I knew better?
Why did I decide I could get away with doing whatever I wanted?
Why didn't I listen?
Why didn't I leave when I had the chance?
Why do some people get to get away with it and I didn't?
Why didn't I listen?
Why didn't I leave when I had the chance?
Why do some people get to get away with it and I didn't?
Why don't I pack up and leave now, never look back?
Why do I secretly hope he'll be it?
Why do I secretly hope he'll be it?
Why don't I have an answer for any of these questions?
It's not that I regret Lily-Never ever will I say that. Ever. I do not regret that amazingly beautiful little girl. She is the most amazing baby in the world, and I can't believe she is mine.
But.
What if I had waited? Would I have my Lilypie?
What if I were older? Would I be a better mommy?
What if I were older? Would I be a better mommy?
What if I followed God's plan for my life? Where would I be?
What would I be doing?
Would she still be mine?
What would I be doing?
Would she still be mine?
What if?
I know there are millions of single moms, and thousands of them are worse off than I am. Still I worry about Lily -- she adores men. In general. Any time she sees one she stares and laughs and they're her favorite. And I worry that it's because she never sees her daddy, and I worry that she'll have daddy issues and that he'll never be there for her like she needs him to be or even that I want him to be there for her at all. And I'm terrified that she'll have a horror story about one of mommy's boyfriends...I can't even finish the thought. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than that.
I know this is all a matter of relying on God, submitting my life to His will and not trying to take control again. But my heart does worry. And quakes. And if I sit still in the dark after everyone else is in bed and think about it too long I will break. If I try to talk to someone about this, if I try to open up, I'll break. All over everything.And I don't want to break, I'm not ready for it, I don't have time to break.
I know this is all a matter of relying on God, submitting my life to His will and not trying to take control again. But my heart does worry. And quakes. And if I sit still in the dark after everyone else is in bed and think about it too long I will break. If I try to talk to someone about this, if I try to open up, I'll break. All over everything.And I don't want to break, I'm not ready for it, I don't have time to break.
I've gotta keep it together for this little girl.
<3
